Adventures in Homemade: Nutella??

I tried to make Nutella today.  TRIED is definitely the operative word.  What I ended up with is more of a hazelnut chocolate fudge, sort of. 

(Note: names changed.... a LOT)

I love Nutella, smooth, creamy, chocolaty, nutty Nutella.  I do NOT love the sugar and palm oil.  I have some lovely friends that make their own nut spreads - they are awesome and the friends are pretty cool too ;) I had seen one such friend, take some nuts, put them in the food processor, walk away for a few minutes and return to an amazing nut butter.  Easy! ....heehee......hahahaha....BWAHAHAHHAA!!!!

Before I move on, I have further motivation for loving Nutella. Hazelnuts (in theory) are the only tree nut to which, my one son is NOT allergic (it's theoretical, because it's the only one that didn't show up on his allergy panel, but the Allergist thinks it's likely a fluke and I've not been brave or crazy enough to try it just yet).

A trip to Trader Joes and I had my hazelnuts. I already had everything else I needed (also theoretically, but I don't want to get ahead of myself) in the pantry - cocoa powder and honey .  So when I got home, I dumped the hazelnuts in a bowl, covered them completely with water, and set them aside. Why do this, you ask.  Because soaking nuts and seeds have many health benefits. One of which is that it makes them easier to digest.

And now to the best part! Today I drained them and put them on a cookie sheet on a super low temp oven and dried them out and toasted them, I think I turned them every hour and took them out at 2 hr. and 40 min.  YES, I'm ready to make hazelnut butter!!

I put the full pound (mistake #1) into my 30 yr old food processor, turn it on, and after some scary sounds , things start to quiet to a steady whir.... I'm doing a mini-dance in the kitchen, "Nutella -la, la, la  -  Nutella"  I am singing in my head.  About 60 seconds later.  "Ok now I have flour... but....
.... ummmm
.....uhhhhhh"
....it's not doing anything else and I'm getting impatient.  I think to myself, "It needs more moisture, something to grab and pull down the nuts.  I'll add coconut oil (remember, not in my original ingredient list)." (mistake #2 - fatal error)
I turn it off, add the coconut oil, scrape down the sides, turn it back on.
Scary, gurgley, garbage disposal sounds, and YEAY it's grabbing, it's pulling... it's climbing... ...it's sticking...

"Uh oh. Ok, no worries, I'll scrape it down, it's a little dry still, so I'll add the honey, that'll help it come together and get nice and creamy smooth (mistake #3 - just making it worse)."

I let it run, scrape it down, let it run, scrape it down - meanwhile, I'm becoming a bit agitated and my foot starts tapping.  My 8 yr old comes in, takes one look at my face and turns right back around - good choice.

"Well, it did take a little while when my super awesome nut-maker friend made hers, maybe I'm just being impatient and I should let it run.  A watched pot and all that." I take a deep breath and step back.

 "I am not going to get upset over this, I'm just going to leave it run and walk away." I announce aloud.

"... you do that hun!" the response from Hubster (my new hip name for him) from somewhere in the other room.

 I feebly rationalize some more and go and sit down to look at Facebook for a minute.  When the whirring gets quieter, I get up to check.  The blades are spinning, but there is nothing below them.  I speak some French under my breathe, stamp my foot childishly, and I text my nut-master friend, she is not available at the moment and I call another equally cool, but more expert in fermenting food friend, no answer.

O.      K.

Ok, I'll let the machine cool down (at this point it had been running on off for between 20 and 30 min) while I wait for a call back.
Fermenty friend calls back and we chalk the problem up to my ancient food processor (soooo not the food processor's fault, but it makes me feel better) I have, at this point, scraped down the sides again and started pulsing by hand.
Finally super awesome nut-spread maker friend calls me back.

"Having trouble with your nuts, har, har...." she quips, "So what did you do?" I explained soaking, drying them out, toasting, putting them in processor.
"Did you add anything to them?"

I begin squirming... "Well, not at first, but then it looked dry, so I added some coconut oil" (Meanwhile I begin pulsing the food processor again - rather pointlessly)

"that can really mess things up.... oh wait, how much did you put in to begin with?"

I groan, "a full pound"

I can practically see her nodding, "Yup, well that's probably a problem too, I find that when I've tried to do that much it never quite makes a butter so I do 1/2 lb at a time...."            

"     great    " I'm thinking to myself whilst pursing my lips and sighing heavily

I finally admit, "I also added the honey, I was trying to make Nutella"

"Oh man, honey?!  Yeah I tried doing that once, NOT a good idea, it messes up everything if you add it before the nuts make a butter"   NOW she tells me, though it immediately occurs to me that maybe I SHOULD have called her before beginning in the first place.

Hubster yells out in the background, why not just add the cocoa and some milk and see what happens -- Nut friend hears this and agrees, "Yeah you may be able to rescue it and make a spread still, you could try heating it too, that may help"

I'm still aggravated, but off the phone and begin adding the milk and cocoa and start getting a spread-like texture!!!  Yes, something other than mealy, oily, sweet mush!!!

Even after heating, what I ended up with is a lot closer to a fig paste or fudge consistency -it tastes just fine, but is NOT nutella-like in texture at all.  So Hubster makes one last suggestion, add some chocolate protein powder and make them in to breakfast/snack bars -- and so it was, that I ended the Nutella fiasco today, Nutella-less (MAJOR sad face), but with uber-chocolate, healthy (if not highly caloric) nutty protein bars....

ONE DAY I will have you creamy chocolatey, nutty goodness... ONE DAY!!!

Update: Concession - the resulting fudge IS pretty amazing ;)